General

Growing up Pink Floyd was my favorite band and the first concert I went to.  My Parents took me to the Division Bell concert for my 14th birthday.  Time, Wish You Were Here, and Another Brick in the Wall were some of my favorites.  But writing this episode and looking for a song title Time was the obvious choice.  I usually try to make sure that when I pick a title (yes, if you haven’t noticed all of my solo episodes are song titles) that the lyrics actually mean something that when I read it I feel a connection to what I want to talk about.  Time in particular this lyric:

“Every year is getting shorter never seem to find the time.

Plans that either come to naught or half a page of scribbled lines.”

Uhm YES! This is exactly why this song is the perfect title. Even in these strange COVID days, time is slipping away and sometimes I feel even busier and shorter of time then pre COVID. Just when I was getting things under control? OMG!.  Take time blindness for example, you know that pesky Executive function ‘malfunction’ that tells us it will only take 20 minutes to get home when in reality it’s rush hour and will take 40min.  Or that task you think will take 3 days takes a week and you have to explain to your boss why you suck at gauging how long things will take to complete. Now at home, I sit and try to work on one thing and make plans for the day and they never seem to work out.  Something is always coming up and changing my plans.    At the end of the day, the week, the year I have lost time somehow. This verse kind of relays exactly that:

“So you run and you run to catch up with the sun but it’s sinking

Racing around to come up behind you again.”

That is absolutely how it feels, running to keep up only to realize you are being chased.  All of the things have to get done but it feels like there is never enough time to get all of the things done.  This is where boundaries come in, a very wise woman who I consider a friend and mentor is teaching me about many things and Boundaries is one of them.  I am learning that if I am going to get “All of the Things” done I need boundaries around my time.  I have to know and be very set with what my priorities are, communicate what is ok and not ok, consider how it might impact my family, and really what is going to make me feel good. When I was working on Mind Mapping or my revised version of it Time Blocking was the natural next step.  So many people with and without executive function issues swear by it.  I did what I normally do and spent 5mintues…..ok an hour or maybe 2 looking up how to time block.  I looked at different websites that are supposed to make it easier and tried a few apps.  I didn’t like them it was tedious and took too long to set up or maybe I was just being super impatient that might be a possibility. Either way I went back to my Bullet journal like a curmudgedy old lady stuck in her ways.  Fine maybe I am a little, I did just turn 40 and COVID is making me a little crazy.  I was determined so I scoured Pinterest for layouts and found one that seemed to be exactly what I needed.  Simple to put together and I drew it all out.  Then I sat there….and sat there…Think, think, thinking like Winnie the Pooh only without the honey pot.    

What are my priorities? How do I set time for them when I don’t know how long they will take? I started taking stock of my days.  At this point in COVID we have kind of settled into a sort of routine.  In the morning it’s breakfast, work, lunch try to get the kids outside for a bike ride or hide n seek just something to get them out, back to work, dinner, a little more work, play with the kids, laundry, dishes, get kids ready for bed, work on my podcast, sleep.  The days go by so quickly anymore and honestly I don’t always know what day or month it is.  All of the transitions of the day make concentrating on tasks for work really hard. You know all of the starting and stopping for a snack, he hit me, she hit me, what was that?, mommy play with me (this one kills me the most about COVID bc I want to play with them all day but I can’t).  All of the transitions have made working from home very hard.  A lot of what I do requires me to have blocks of uninterrupted time so I can focus on what I am doing otherwise it could mean the difference between can we afford a new dance floor or can it wait so we can teach more courses. It is totally not the kids fault. They just want to spend time with us because they are bored, they don’t have anyone to play with, they haven’t played with friends in months and it’s hard. However, I still have monthly reports to get done and meetings to attend so does my husband.  It is probably taking me at least 1.5 times longer to do some of the things I have to do because I get lost.  I get up then sit back down and don’t know where I left off, where did I save that file, did I save that file, what did I name the file, where are my notes, did I even take notes I thought I did. Then, there are all of the things I have done multiple times because I can’t remember if I did them or not so I do them again just in case.  Sound familiar?  If not then are you sure you even have ADHD?

After a week of trying to figure out how long it takes to do things, I think I am ready to give this time blocking a try. I start with the easy one my family.  I block off breakfast time, lunch/play time, and dinner-bedtime.  Ok this is easy what’s next..oh work right.  No worries, I just say all the time during the day between breakfast and lunch then lunch and dinner is for work.  That leaves me with cleaning, laundry, yoga, podcast, graphic design courses, learning to video edit, and anything else I want to do.  WOW. That’s a lot. I have about 2.5 hours left of my day because the other thing I blocked off is sleep.  We all know how important sleep is to the ADHD brain right?  If not, I might have an episode about sleep in the works. Anyway, my problem now is I need to do all of these things so how do I fit them into 2.5 hours a day?  This is the dilemma I am currently having.  Competing priorities.  I decide that until I can catch up on the podcast stuff, I will wait to do the others. Occasionally I can get some time throughout the day to work on other things but I never know when.

For the most part I was feeling pretty good.  I color coded my blocks because well colors obviously and you need to be able to differentiate your priorities.  Day 1 goes pretty smooth, I was able to stick to my blocks pretty well.  Then Day 2 happened and it rained and the kids were extra bored and everything went to shit.  Day 3 was better then the rest of the week went to shit after that.  I couldn’t keep my boundaries and the blocks didn’t work.  I thought ok I am going to try this for a month and if I can’t figure out a way to make this work by then it’s just not going to work…at least not for me and not during COVID.  The next week was pretty much the same. I was able to keep with it for a couple of days and the rest were crap.  The third week I tried to take a slightly more loose version of the time blocking by instead of literally coloring in each slot essentially cementing my plan I outlined the blocks so I could more easily make changes. Yeah that didn’t work either. Great, now what this is just going to be yet another productivity tool I can’t make work for me.  I had asked for help and someone told me I should try and mix the way I was doing my journal before with the Time Blocking, do one day at a time instead of the whole week, and be more forgiving if I can’t make it work one day. Another tip was to try using sticky notes or even a dry erase board. Deep breath, ok, let’s try this again give it another couple of weeks and see how it goes.  That was Friday so I am going to give it another go this week and I will update you on how successful I am or am not.  I am going to try and do just one day at a time instead of the whole week.  I am going to try and adjust it to fit my life instead of trying to continuously force myself to fit into the format that is obviously not working.  Don’t get me wrong the theory behind it is great and like I said tons of people swear by it.  Timeblocking can give you more time to do deep dive working, help you stay organized and focused on what’s important to you.  Unfortunately for me, there are too many variables changing day to day in my house right now.  Now, when the world gets its act together and things get back to whatever our new normal will be after this I may be able to give it another go the traditional way. 

Ultimately, I think the point of productivity tips/tools is not for it to be the end all be all.  They are just tips/tools, they aren’t written in stone they are flexible, adaptable, and changeable.  I think that is where many of us (or at least me) get frustrated and give up.  We (I) try to follow the tips or do the tool exactly like someone else all the while forgetting that it doesn’t have to be followed to the letter. I knew that already but time after time I forget and do the same thing over and over.  I try a new tool or follow a tip and take it at face value instead of trying to use my creativity to make it work for me instead of against me.  I already do this with my bullet journal and the Pomodoro method.  Anyway, all I am trying to say is that just because a productivity tool doesn’t work the first time that doesn’t mean that you can’t make adjustments to it that will make it work for you and your life.  I know this is the same thing we have to do with everything trial and error right?  We have trial and error finding the right doctor, trial and error finding the right medication or holistic way to manage symptoms, now we have to do trial and error just to be more productive? It is so exhausting just thinking about it.  It’s hard I know it is but we keep going and keep trying new things. Just think of it this way if it was easy would you try as many new things? Would you learn as much about yourself?  Probably not.  Putting different tools to use and trying new things to help supplement for the executive functions we lack helps us learn more about how our brains work.  The trial and error helps us discover new possibilities.  If it doesn’t work one way how can you make it work? Look at it like a challenge or a puzzle.  That is how I am approaching this I am taking the whole premise of time blocking and I am going to tear it apart lay the pieces out and merge it with the way I am currently scheduling to see if I can find a solution.   

Before we get into this episode I want to share how challenging this episode has been.  Not because of the content topic but because of the process.  I am going to walk you through how I typically put an episode together and explain why this one in particular has been so challenging. 

I start with a topic this is generally pretty easy to come up with. I just pull from whatever I am dealing with or thinking about or what I see others struggling with.  I do some research and start writing.  Most of the time I will sit down a few different nights over the course of 1-2 weeks and write the draft then edit before I record.  I do this because when I tried just talking I got off topic and went in circles and well it wasn’t good trust me.  Writing it out helps me get everything in some sort of a coherent order that makes sense without going into too many tangents.  I try to write like I talk and think, not really polishing anything, just putting all of the puzzle pieces in the right place to make a picture.  Taking the 2 weeks to write is usually a good amount of time because I still remember what I was doing and the flow is pretty smooth.  This episode however I have literally been writing for months. I would write while getting my kids ready for bed or while waiting for a file to load, while I was eating, and yes even sometimes in the bathroom.  It was basically whenever I could find a spare minute.  What came of it was a mess.  I edited it and thought I had something good but really if I am being honest it was trash.  My plan for tonight was to add in some information and I knew exactly where the holes were during the final editing. There were places that felt rushed and others where I should have gone more in depth to explain better but when I went to find it earlier it was gone, missing, I tried everything I could think of to find it.  My husband said it just wasn’t meant to be and I think he was right.  I am starting over tonight so I can give you guys something actually worth listening too.  At least I hope you find it worth listening too.   

Now everything after this is what the episode should have been from the beginning:

I just want to thank you all for sticking with me.  I know it has been a while since I gave you an episode and I blame part of it on procrastination and part on being exhausted.  Regardless I am still here for you guys and don’t plan on going anywhere.  What this pandemic has taught me is that I have to keep moving forward no matter what.  I can’t allow myself to fall victim to the shame I feel because I missed an episode or 2 or even 5.  The old me would have just let this all go, why not, it’s been a while since I loaded an episode no one will care. The me that started this in the first place is making allowances for the hiccups and mistakes and trying to grant myself permission to be me.  I am telling the old me to shut up and sit down. All of the podcasting groups tout how important consistency is, it is the key to a successful podcast. Ok great but so is authenticity or at least that is what I believe.  That is why I am here to be authentic ang honest about my struggles with ADHD and part of living your life with ADHD is getting used to failing but the flip side to that coin is resiliency and our ability to always get back up and try again.  That is what I am doing, I am trying again. Again, thank you for being here for being you and allowing me to share my journey with you.

U2 is my all time favorite band and their songs sooth my soul.  One in particular came to mind while I was trying to write this episode “Stuck in a Moment’ I mean if that isn’t just the perfect description of what I have been feeling. Just listen to this lyric from the chorus: 

You’ve got to get yourself together

You’ve got stuck in a moment

And now you can’t get out of it

Don’t say that later will be better

Now you’re stuck in a moment

And you can’t get out of it

Seriously does that not just sound exactly how it feels when burnout and procrastination hit? Your brain is overwhelmed and you can’t move forward because you’re stuck like you are in quicksand you can’t get out of. 

The next couple of episodes are going to be productivity based.  UGGHHH whhhhyyyy, I know we get this stuff crammed down our throats all of the time.  If you would just use your calendar, or set reminders, try this app or read this book and everything will bring you joy. OK first of all Marie it will not bring me joy, it will cause me anxiety and shame or it will put me into hyper focus and never get done which adds to the anxiety and shame.  Second I have tried so many things and the reason none of them stick is because they are HARD, COMPLICATED, BORING, I got distracted at some point and just quit, or well they are not aesthetically pleasing to the eye aka pretty.  Does any of that sound relatable to anyone at all?  Productivity tips make me cringe for 2 reasons; 1) I know I need them and 2) I just don’t want to do them.  Many sound so easy and all kinds of people you know may be using them and trying to convince you how awesome they are.  Well they aren’t easy at least not for me and no matter which one I try I always have to customize it somehow.  

Take the Pomodoro method for example, I loved this one because it was one of the easiest productivity tools I had ever tried and I was so productive. For a while anyway until I didn’t anymore, not really sure why, no actually I am, that was when I was still switching meds trying to find the right one and I think I spent the whole 2 months while I was on Vyvanse doing it then I switched to Adderall and got out of the habit because I couldn’t focus, the Adderall didn’t work for me.  https://francescocirillo.com/pages/pomodoro-technique

Anyway, If you don’t know, the main premise of the Pomodoro method or technique is you work in 4 sessions each is 25 minutes with a short 5 minute break in between followed by a longer 20-30 min break at the end of the 4 sessions. For each session you pick 1 task and work on nothing but that 1 task. When the timer goes off for the session you are in you can check off that task and move to the next one.  I didn’t use a pomodoro tomato timer, I used the app Brain Focus for its ability to be customized. I was able to adjust the time of my sessions and breaks.  I used a 40 minute session because I couldn’t get anything done in 25 minutes by the time I was ready to start I would only have 5 or 10 minutes left.  With the Brain Focus app I set my sessions to 40 minutes and my breaks to 5 with my long break of 30 minutes.  If I got a phone call I could even pause the timer so I didn’t lose the time I was trying to work on that one task.  The other function I liked is that if I was in the zone and a task needed more time I could skip a break and keep going. I would use my short breaks to just breath for a minute, take a walk, go to the bathroom, check email for anything urgent or get something to drink.  The long breaks would fall about lunch time so I would eat lunch and check and respond to a few emails and take a short walk again.  What I really liked about doing this was I gave myself permission NOT to multitask and I was so much more productive.  I don’t think I have ever been nearly as productive since.  The problem I am having now is actually trying to start it up again after having not done it for so long.  It should be easy. I can’t bring myself to delete the app and my settings are all there. I just need to do it and I really do want to. It’s just that the transition from my old job to my new one has made it a little difficult.  Maybe now that things have calmed down a little and getting more routine I can try it again. I would be interested to see if I can pick it up and be just as productive. 

Let’s go back in time to about a month ago, You all know how I have been struggling and in this funk.  I finally decided that needed to change, I was sitting at my dining room table at 11:19pm doing my day job but really it’s become my night job so I can take turns getting the kids out of the house during the day with my husband.  We both have several conference calls to do and if we don’t get them out of the house for bike rides, scooters, walks something they go stir crazy because we have been quarantined for so long. Waiting for a form to load so I could validate my data (my fake budget bc the world has gone to crap and all the numbers I did were based on a normal year and not a Covid-19 affected year so they are all now wrong, but I digress) I was sitting there thinking about all of the things I need to do (not needed because many I still months later need to do). After reading and hearing about how effective doing a brain dump or mind map or whatever you want to call it…..can be I decided I needed to make a reminder to write it out into my bullet journal, which by the way I haven’t had to depend on since all of this so that is nice. There aren’t as many meetings, no extra curricular activities for the kids, doctors appointments to go to, or other obligations. In many ways life has slowed down and in others it is more complicated.

Staring at a blank page in my bullet journal I kept wondering how do you brain dump or mind map in the first place? How do I get started? What do I write down first? Where does it go? Is there a special format I should use? Do I put it in a particular order? Is it like a brainstorming web we used to do in school where you have a big circle in the middle with little lines that branch out of it to other circles and more off of those? I am imagining that and it makes my skin crawl. I just stared at my computer screen blankly as it still has not loaded.  In thinking about doing a brain dump I have heard people say oh they are great you just write everything in your brain down on a piece of paper. That sounds terrifying, there are work things, house things, kid things, podcast things, other things, so many things in my head. I need structure in this area, I can’t just write shit down all willy nilly. I mean should I have it like an outline, draw boxes/columns with titles? What do I do? I did nothing.

Flash forward a few days. I tried to scour the internet for how to do a brain dump but got distracted. Does that happen to anyone else? Lol of course it does. We all go down that rabbit hole and end up with a hundred different tabs open. I wasn’t liking what I was seeing because it all was a mess and didn’t really help me. At this point I basically said screw it. I finished my work that night and spent the next few days thinking about how I still needed to do this because there is just too much I have to do and I don’t want to forget the things I am desperately trying to remember. 

Flash forward about 2 weeks. I was sitting in a mini chair at the lego table in my girls playroom. The girls were watching a mermaid show from Australia called HH20 on Netflix. It’s quite entertaining in a mind numbing no thinking kind of way. I looked down at the table. There were a couple of blank pages of computer paper just laying there in front of me begging to be used. I thought ok I am just sitting here doing nothing, why not just do this. I opted not to do the mind map thing because well I can’t stand that form of brainstorming. Instead I picked out a purple colored pencil from the tin on the desk and just started writing down everything I could think of in no particular order other than the order that they popped into my head. I wrote while they watched and then played. I even wrote while I played with baby dolls and talk about multitasking..lol. One page became 2 using the front and then back of each sheet. All night I kept coming back to add things, drawing lines, making boxes, writing sideways in the margins, and all over. It wasn’t pretty but miraculously I did feel better having actually written it all down. It literally felt like a weight had been lifted.  I didn’t feel as bogged down because I wasn’t forcing myself to remember all of these things anymore; they were written down now.

The question became, what do I do now that I wrote all of this stuff down? The different websites all say to prioritize it and to break down the big steps into little ones but don’t tell you how to do that exactly. Ok fine I will just figure it out myself and do it my way. Which let’s be honest, don’t we kind of do that anyway? Again I sat and stared blankly at the pages looking over them flipping them over trying to figure out where to start. I walked away because I got overwhelmed by all of the things I still needed to do. This is one of those moments where I wish I didn’t have ADHD and little things weren’t so hard. I should be able to do this to move things around and organize them but no I am stuck in this how the hell do I even start whirlpool sucking me into the bermuda triangle of shame because I can’t do a simple task. Let’s face it, are there really any simple tasks for us? I start on a word doc because I have decided the bullet journal isn’t big enough for this list then move on to an excel doc. I go through all of the checklist templates, I don’t like any of them. I try to start my own and can’t even figure out a layout I want. Frustrated again I walked away. Why can’t I just do this damned list? 

I know that if I prioritize them and give myself 1 task to do for 15-20 min each day it will be simple and my list will get done before you know it. I know this, my brain knows this, so why can’t I just do it??? Ugghhh ok ok I will just take a break and come back to it I tell myself all the while I am not actually taking a break from it bc while I am doing other things I can’t quit thinking about it. It won’t go away for 5 minutes so I can focus on or think about anything else. So here I sat writing about it instead of doing it. 

The time between when I started thinking about doing it and actually writing everything down just for the sake of a timeline was about a month. 

Ok screw it I am just going to sit down and read my list. I took out another sheet of paper and tried making columns of things and I got through some things then started getting agitated with it and trashed it.  Next I tried making an outline again. I started it and hated it and trashed it again. At this point I said ok fine and tried the mind mapping where you start with a bubble, draw lines to other bubbles then bubbles off those and wanted to scream so trashed that one too. In all fairness I couldn’t even decide on what to put on the big bubble so I scraped it a few times.

I gave up, I mean how am I going to start helping other people with their goals if I can’t figure out my own.  Ridiculous right? I was lucky and got connected with a productivity coach through a facebook group I am a member of.  We had a 1 hour phone call and all is good in the world again.  The best part is what she told me to do, I already knew I just forgot or couldn’t recall in the moment of it all for some reason, thanks memory love you too.  I mean I spent weeks doing research on some of the best ways for people with ADHD to help breakdown goals and here I couldn’t even remember any of it until someone else walked me through it.  I think we all need that though.  I think having someone in your corner helping you with the hard things is important even psychiatrists see and seek help from other psychiatrists.  We just get too in our own way sometimes.

I can’t stress enough how important just asking for help and having someone outside of my head calm me down and walk me through what I was doing was.  Her sitting there on the zoom call and guiding me through the first one really helped break me out of my mental block and brain fog.  What she helped me with was simple she asked me to take one item on my list and then in the form the next question was why, I needed to know what my why was for each goal the thing that motivated me why that goal was important so I would have something to look at and remind me if I got discouraged.

After I had my task and my why we started with the SMART part of the planning/mind mapping thing.  Have you ever heard of SMART goals? Let’s break it down real quick: S-Specific you need to make the goal specific not vague or you won’t know how to break it down.  Something like ‘get a degree’ well it’s a goal but not very specific it should be more like ‘get an MBA in Business Management’ that is specific you have the type of degree and the focus or field.  Now you can figure out the steps to take to get that degree.  

Next is M-Measurable how do you quantify the goal.  To stick with the example of the Master’s Degree you would be able to track your goal through the degree audit by knowing how many classes you have taken and how many more you need to take to get the degree.

A- is for apple no just kidding A is for attainable can you get the degree?  This may seem like a simple answer but think about things like this, can you afford it? Do you have the time? If you work during the day can you take classes at night, on the weekend, or online, Is the work going to be too hard?  You have to make sure the goal is realistic and that you have all of the tools and resources needed to reach the goal.

R-Relevant does the goal align with your values and life goals 

Finally T- Time based the goal needs to be realistic and ambitious.  You need to be able to set a date to which you will accomplish the goal and have something to motivate you.

Once I got done with the call things became clearer and I sat down and filled out 4 goal worksheets.  These 4 worksheets were literally only 2 items off my brain dump list but breaking them down into baby steps makes it feel easier.  These aren’t hard tasks either not by any stretch of the imagination but when your in a funk like I have been even the small things feel daunting.  I don’t know about you guys but I absolutely love the feeling of physically marking through a list item or checking the box. It feels good and it’s satisfying.  It’s silly that I get so excited about marking things off lists but it makes me feel productive like I am actually moving forward and getting things done. By the time I finished marking off everything on my list it had expanded again. I did find that I had many things written down multiple times in different places which I thought was pretty funny and so ADHD. My once 2 page list is now something like 9 tabs of worksheets where I have broken things down into baby steps. I have finally started getting things done. I am coming back and getting to the things I love again like trying to spend more time with family, self care, and my podcast. There is just a lot of backend stuff I am catching up on. There is nothing like the feeling of having all of your to dos written down and organized. I think of it like clearing my cache and cookies on the internet, or deleting a bunch of apps so my phone can free up space, storage, or memory. As long as I am writing things down it’s like using an external hard drive I don’t have to worry about the cpu crashing because I have everything saved somewhere else….WOW I just did a ton of computer analogies. I think that might be a sign that I need to stop talking. 

I want to hear what your strategies are for organization and prioritization. What apps, systems, etc. have or have not worked for you? 

Hey all, I know it’s been a while but I have an amazing interview for you today.  I spoke with the wonderful Luz Jaramillo about some of the struggles that our impulsivity can lead too when it comes to food.  Luz discusses how she was able to overcome her binge eating holistically and gives some great tips and information for anyone struggling.  Please check out below for her website link and list of recommended reads.  I hope you enjoy listening as much as I enjoyed speaking with her.

Website: brainbodycoach.com

Instagram: brainbodycoach

Facebook: Brainbodycoach- Luz Jaramillo

Linkedln: Luz Jaramillo-Brainbodycoach

The books Recommended: 

Brain over Binge: Katheryn Hansen

The art of extreme Self-Care: Cheryl Richardson

Never Binge again: Glen Livingston

The Emotional Eater’s Repair Manual: Julie M. Simons

Support the show (https://www.patreon.com/ExcuseMyADHD?fan_landing=true)

Today’s episode started out as a 5-10 minute check in on everyone that became a 20 minute Sunday drive through the country complete with rambling err rolling hills, speed bumps and babbling brooks, or just babble.  I have gone completely unscripted and un-edited per the advice of a friend….well mostly I broke down and edited a few breaths and pop sounds that I just couldn’t help. Also, I don’t think anyone says ‘so’ as much as I do.  Anyway, this episode is my way of saying “Hey how’s it going, you doing ok?” and let you know what I have been up to. 

Links mentioned in the episode:
Heather Vickery, Vickery & Co: https://vickeryandco.com/ 

Support the show (https://www.patreon.com/ExcuseMyADHD?fan_landing=true)

I know I said this would come out on Wednesday night last night but mother nature had other plans.  While I was finishing up my notes to record the tornado warnings and statements to take shelter started going off.  I immediately went to gather my family so we could go to the basement.  The storms came on hard and fast as they usually do this time of year.  I swear it is only in the Ohio River Valley that you can have 80* weather one day and freeze warnings the next night. After all of that excitement I thought it was better just to go to bed.  This was the second time in as many weeks I had to wake my girls up out of a dead sleep and make them go to the basement for tornado warnings.  It was a little harder to get them back to sleep this time though since the thunder storms continued most of the night.  This also means I didn’t get a chance to put up the show notes on the website yet I will work on those tomorrow for both episodes.  I am getting my butt back in gear, however slowly but surely.  

It was Wednesday evening 3/11 when they announced all of my county’s public schools would close as of 3/13 through April 20th.  This was insane because that only gave us all 1 day to prepare as school was already scheduled to be closed on Friday for a planning day or something.  There were so many e-mails flying around from my kids, teachers, the principal etc..  We had forms to fill out and they sent the kids home with full backpacks pretty much we were all under the impression they would eventually go back to school.  Unfortunately that doesn’t look to be the case anymore. A few things happened over the weekend I pretended it wasn’t happening, I ignored it, I panicked because now I have to homeschool and work and that is not going to work I will not get anything done. I freaked out about how we are going to have enough devices for 3 kids to all do online assignments at the same time. 

Finally I gave in and realized ok this is happening and I have to deal with it.  From here I did what any self respecting ADHD mom would do. I got overly excited about how prepared I was going to be for Monday and went through all of their stuff, got workspaces ready for them and was so excited for the plan we were going to follow.  Come Monday morning everything went perfectly. The kids all got their work done. I was so prepared and I got all of my work done as well. We all lived happily ever after…..I wish.  

Monday really wasn’t that bad but it wasn’t good either.  The kids had all kinds of questions. There were all kinds of problems with the google classroom because it was new and not all of the assignments were up. The kids got done with their school work in like 2.5 hours but we still had full days of work to do.  I was screaming inside my head and nothing I could do about it.  From there it just got worse the rest of the week.  There were new things added in everyday.  Teachers incorporated Google Hangouts chats to the schedule so 3 kids on 3 different chat rooms all at the same time.  

Then the special (art, music, PE, etc) teachers were left out so they got their own hang out time so 2 chats with 3 kids on 3 devices a day.  While my husband and I try to work and do our own conference calls.  This shit is hard so hard.  I want to cry because I feel like I am working so many more hours a day now.  I am staying up late at night to finish work for my job because during the day I am trying to help the kids get through their school work.  

We were supposed to go on Thursday’s to pick up the next weeks’ packet from a box out front if we didn’t get there during normal hours.  I went up there after hours and there was a box with nothing in it but a rock to hold it in place.  Great, I went back Friday afternoon and the doors were open great.  Boxes of papers were there with teacher’s names on them but neither of the teacher’s the girl’s or my son have.  There were ‘optional’ packets for the first graders so I grabbed 2 of those. I got home and not 15minutes after I left to get the packets the e-mail came out that all instructions for 1-5th would be online.  Really you wait until after we are all supposed to have come up to tell us. Are we going to change things up every week? The two weeks that followed have been a disaster because more online work means more I have to help them with.  It means I have to start and stop what I am doing.  More times I have to try and remember where I left off which means more wasted time and more work I have to do at night. Like transitions aren’t hard enough. At least with the packets they could sit there and quietly do their work for 20 minute intervals without interrupting me. Kind of like a built in Pomodoro method.

Yes my husband is helping more with my son because as I have said Dyscalculia. I suck at math and my son is doing fractions. I looked at his work and started having flashbacks and feelings of PTSD from all of the trouble I had with Math growing up.  Do you have any idea how wonderful it is to have a son who can do all of that in his head?  Yet at the same time I feel so inadequate because he is asking me for help and I can’t help him. I feel like a failure like an idiot because I can’t do fractions on paper let alone my head.  I mean yes I can do simple ¼+¼ = ½ type of fraction but not the kind he is doing. That is how we have divided it up. He helps our son because I can’t and I help the girls.  We both make the tradeoffs we can.  We both have video and conference calls, emails, projects, etc. to do but are doing our best.

There are some things that I have done that help with the kids’ school work.  

• We mapped out the typical daily routine for when they do each subject, eat lunch, snack, recess, etc. and try to stick to it. We get off track but it’s easier for them to remember what they have and haven’t done because we are always doing it in the same order.
• Set up workstations with everything needed to complete their work. Each has a designated work space with their chromebook, folder, center work, glasses, pencil box, etc.
• Review the next day’s work the night before.  At the end of each day I try to see if anything is posted for the next day or if there is anything we couldn’t finish that still needs to be done.  Then I try to clean up their workspace so it is ready to go the next day.
• I Asked the teacher to send a daily checklist of items due in an email so it is in one place rather than several.

Aside from working remotely and homeschooling there is also the regular house stuff, laundry, cooking, dishes etc.  This is all compounded because now we are responsible for 3 meals a day and I can’t do it.  Add into all of this the fact that the weather has not been great as in Spring showers so there is no relief by going outside.  The kids are so stir crazy they should be going outside for recess to play with friends instead they are stuck inside.  We finally had some nice weather this past weekend and this week which has helped but still this has been a nightmare.  On the plus side however since it is all new I have been much more focused and excited about everything not sure how long that novelty will last though. Likely not much longer…lol 

I love the time I am getting to spend with my family. It is all the other shit that is making it an absolute hell to deal with.  It is one thing to stay home spending time with the family on the weekend or during spring break or something.  Then cooking, cleaning, and finding things to do isn’t bad. It can be fun even. Doing all of this while working and homeschooling NOT FUN.

The worry that if it gets too quiet something bad is happening or hearing a loud bang and getting a response of nothing when you ask what that was.  How can anyone get work done with all of that?  I have serious respect for teachers and all of the planning they are doing to make sure the kids are still learning everything they need to know.  The problem I am having is trying to do their job and my job all at the same time.  It is so effing hard.  I don’t know how neurotypicals are doing this.  I am struggling.  As I sit here writing I am freaking out again because I am freaking out about everything and because I am tired and fried. 

Then there is the staying home and not being able to go anywhere. I am an introvert, I like being home and not going anywhere, typically.  This is different though this is some shit I can’t do it is torture because now I am not staying home by choice I am staying home because a stupid virus is making life hard and so I can’t go.  Probably the thing that gets me the most is the freedom to be able to go off and walk around Target and browse.  When I do get to go somewhere to pick up an online order or something I do get a little thrill being on the empty interstate driving somewhere to pick up stuff almost like I am breaking the law but not…I know I am dork. 

It is hard to not be able to see family especially with Easter coming up, then Mother’s Day.  I was supposed to be running a race and celebrating my 40th birthday, something I have actually been looking forward to because I LOVE birthday’s, well I LOVE cake. Now I can’t be with some of the people I love most to celebrate. It makes me sad.  Who knows we may be spending Father’s Day the same way. I am trying to be optimistic even though schools are NTI until May 1 now, my remote work is extended until July 1 and the dates all keep getting pushed back.  I am just hoping we can be back to some sort of normal by August.

Enough whining I know there are sooo many people out there that are having a much more difficult time that are wishing they were still working, that are working daily with confirmed cases and in close contact, those who have tested positive COVID-19, and those who have lost their lives or loved ones.  I know the teachers are doing the very best they can given the situation and it’s frustrating for all of us. For me I need the release so I don’t keep it all in and drive myself crazy. I feel better after I vent and get it all out. It is soothing. 

What has my quarantine routine looked like?  The first 2 weeks were pretty rough. I was getting up at 8am getting the kids all breakfast then started with their days and their first assignments then either showering or going straight to work.  These first 2 weeks were all about getting the budget done for my presentation on the 31st. The days would continue with endless questions, starts and stops, fixing everyone lunch, eating, cleaning up then more starts, stops, calls, chats, and sending the kids upstairs to play so I could finally get some work done before dinner.  Cook, plate, eat, and clean up dinner. Get the kids ready for bed then go back to work until around 2 am while stress eating chips and pop tarts or donuts nightly and consuming lots of wine. I got it done thankfully last week and even put makeup on for the video call. Now I am just trying to play catch up with the rest of my work I put on hold to get the budget done.  I think I was showering every other day and worked out 1 time during those first two weeks.  It didn’t help either that for several days I spent shuttling kids and myself to the doctor for colds, coughs, and strep.  So yeah that was so fun.

Now that budget is over, everyone is healthy again, and the kids are on spring break things have calmed considerably.  My husband and I are trying to find a balance with work and entertainment for the kids so they are not dying of boredom and can enjoy some of their break. Which by the way we should be on the beach this week and I am just a little bitter that is not the case because I have been looking forward to that trip for several months.  Mostly I am getting a few hours of work done during the day but the majority at night.  My husband has many more calls then I do so he is working more during the day. Next week will be interesting as we try and adjust again to the Non-traditional Instruction.  I am thankful for the break in having to keep up with all of their different assignments and making sure everything that is due is turned in.

This week I am trying to find my own balance.  The last 3 weeks have not really been helping me get done the things I want to do.  I need the structure of a regular schedule, the pressure of needing to be somewhere on time, deadlines,  and now I don’t have it. I still have deadlines but if I walk down the stairs at 8 or 9:30am no one says anything. I have been thinking about how I can make things more structured for myself because the chaos I am currently dealing with does not work.  

Perhaps the hardest obstacle I am struggling with overcoming is motivation. It’s a big one.  I have no desire to get out of bed or take a shower in the morning let alone go downstairs to work or homeschool. It feels like just one long weekend because I am not spending an hour and a half in the car commuting each day. Before COVID-19 I had gotten into this routine of working out in the morning before work 2 times a week and one during the weekend.  This is also the time of year I start trying to run outside so I can do a couple of 5Ks. Since being ordered to work remotely I have ran outside 2 times and gotten up to work out 0 times.  Yes, I was sick ok but this week I really don’t have an excuse not a good one any way other than I am tired. I think it is partially coming down from all of the budget stress. I just need some rest and some downtime to recharge my batteries.  I have been getting about 7 or more hours of sleep at night but wake up feeling like it has only been 4 or less.  That is a problem and maybe I should take my doctor up on the sleep study but not until this COVID mess is done.  Regardless I need to just get my butt in gear and do something, anything.

I had been neglecting my bullet journal so I got caught up with it and switched my layout slightly hoping it might help with the motivation and it has, just not enough and I think part of that is because I can’t get into a routine yet with how things keep changing.  I have to quit with the excuses and just do it.  I have gotten better with snacking throughout the day and night so there is that.  I am determined to start working out again.  I want to go for another run since the weather has been so nice and get back into Yoga.  Yoga helps me in so many ways. If you don’t do it you should try.  If you tried and you didn’t like it you should try again.  I use an app called Down Dog. I have used it for almost 6 years.  I have stuck with this app longer than any other work out routine I have ever done.  It is so customizable.  Download it and try the free version even though my husband uses it and I have gotten several people at work to use it. 

Getting back to my podcast and my website are helping me a lot too.  I feel like I have been struggling since November to really get back but with the new job and all of this time at home I think I might be able to catch up. I have already done more than I had in months. 

Happy hours have been awesome. I don’t know why it has taken a pandemic to get people to start video chatting but I am thankful for it.  A group of women I have known for like 9years and I have started having thirsty Thursday happy hours on zoom.  We live all over, Washington State, California, Louisiana, Mass, Virginia, Illinois, Georgia, Florida, Kentucky even Pennsylvania.  We all have taken the time to do 3 calls now in the last 2 weeks.  It has been so much fun. It is exhausting the next day because we are starting them at like 9:30pm EST and staying on until like 2am EST but hey it’s been awesome to talk to these ladies and see their lovely faces I have only ever chatted with online.  Then there is using video chats to stay in touch with family.  I almost feel like people are connecting more now than before because we have more time too.  It is probably the best thing to come out of this so far.  Something similar that I have been doing and have gotten my kids into is Marco Polo the best way I can describe it is video texting.  You have to check it out, it’s fun and you can do groups there too.

I think the thing that is going to be most effective for me is to be accountable. I have to actually look at and use my habit tracker if I am going to get anywhere.  It’s just so much easier to not look at it then it is to actually mark that I haven’t worked out or to put all of the food in MyFitness Pal that I actually ate.  I need to find my motivation which I think I have found when I tried on my pants the other day.  3 weeks of junk and laziness have not helped me out for sure.  Those pants have to fit or how am I going back to work?? 

To recap some of the things I am working on to help me through this are:

1. Trying to get back into a workout routine I was loving going to the gym workout classes but at least now my gym has online workouts I just need to do it.  Once I get in the habit of doing it again it will be fine. It’s just getting there is hard.
2. Planning more structure into my day similar to my normal work schedule. At least as close to it as I can considering all of the obstacles.  I am going to start setting my alarm to get up in the morning not as early as usual since I don’t have to commute but early enough that I can get up showered and dressed like a normal human instead of maybe every other day taking a shower but staying in pajamas all day.
3. Keeping in touch with friends and family through technology this has already been fun. There are so many ways to do it too.
4. Trying to avoid the boredom snacking, cause it’s there snacking, and the ok I had something salty so now I need something sweet so now I need something salty merry go round.  I would really like to fit into my swimsuit still when this is all over and my clothes.

Until next time stay healthy at home and remember to be patient and thankful.  We can get through this with each other.